Sunday, 15 June 2014

"I dedicate this to my Chelsea" - A guest blog by Deborah Sharkie

I am so grateful that I have Chelsea in my life and I adore her entire family! They have all accepted me as part of their family and I am honoured that Chelsea's Mum; Deborah has trusted me with this post... I wasn't expecting it, and I didn't ask her to write it but it is so beautiful and Chelsea deserves to know how loved she is. Because this girl deserves the world. And it's lovely to hear that it's not just me who believes this... So, thank you Deborah, and thank you Chelsea.

The first time ever I saw your face,  you opened your eyes 
You were perfectly formed, brand new, without hurt
You were mine to cherish, to nourish, to teach to love
You would become my best friend

Through the first years you were my strength, my reason not to give up
I would breathe you in to calm my fears and to feel loved
You brought joy and happiness to my broken heart

Your laughter and tears danced with my soul to give it peace
Your cry would pierce my senses and I protected and soothed you 
Your little hands wiped away my tears too and your closeness blocked the sadness
Your first steps brought me hope and wonder
Your first words made my heart begin to sing again

You were such fun growing up, your spirit was wild and free
You dared, you pondered, you cared, you were scared, you were brave
Was it back then that I mistook the carefree for BPD?
My crazy beautiful little girl

From girl to young woman you broke out of the chrysalis 
Beautiful but doubtful, clever yet reckless, happy but sad, calm yet anxious
These are the signs I did not see as your best friend
These were the emotions you could not share as my best friend 
 
Days became dark and lonely, my heart kept stopping 
The tunnel was long and unpredictable 
Nights were never ending, the phone became my enemy
Life stood still and it hurt too much to breathe
 
My mind was tortured, my soul rebuked me, my heart was broken
Why didn't I notice? Why didn't I see it coming? Why hadn't I listened more carefully?
What kind of mother was I? What kind of best friend? What kind of person?
What had I done to cause such destruction in the angel I had been given?
 
I travelled the journey with you in parallel every single step
Every tear, every drop of blood, every fragile breath
This would be my punishment
This would be my torment

You were taken away from me for others to cherish, to nourish, to teach to love
I felt you were stolen from me, I felt abandoned, I felt I didn't deserve you

There was no one to show me the path, the way through or how to feel
There were no answers, no future, no best friend, no life worth living, just torment

My rescue came in various guises; another angel taught me about hope
Lessons in unconditional forgiveness, faith, love, peace, boundaries and inner strength 
I could not fix you but I could support and love you, be your bestest friend
I would never leave you or abandon you, each time I saw you I breathed you in again

 
Your rescue is almost complete the tunnel is ending
The road is bumpy, unfamiliar and winding but I can hold your hand

I get to carry and protect your heart inside mine on the rainy days
I get my second chance to be the bestest friend, the bestest mum I can be
 
You make me proud, you make me who I have become
You have taught me well, to live in the moment and build a life worth living
Only the strong angels are able to travel your journey and teach the rest of us 
My little duckling is now the most truly beautiful swan 

Love from your best friend , Mum x