I've recently been experiencing a lot of anger. It's directed at something which I can't shout at, so it's coming out at those who don't deserve it. And I feel bad for it. It's just that I remember when I used to feel this angry and I remember what I was capable of. And then as well, there's the fact that I used to cope with my anger by hurting myself and I don't want to do that anymore so I'm having to figure out what to do instead; what will work the same. In a way, it feels worse upsetting others rather than hurting myself because I can control how I feel towards myself but I can't control others forgiving me. Still, I'd rather that than more scars etc.
I'm also learning about goodbyes. It's been difficult figuring out which of the other inpatients I'd like to keep in touch with and who would be positive for my recovery. Because when you leave a long-term placement, it's hard to not have made friends but you have to decide whether they're good for your mental health and recovery, or not. I'm also figuring out accepting the fact that I'll be saying goodbye to my favourite member of staff; the ward Doctor. She has gotten me through so many awful times and I've never had such an amazing relationship with a professional before so this is all very new... I've decided to make the most of our time left together (which will be hard as she's on annual for three weeks!) whilst also reminding myself that I will be leaving.
I have also done a hell of a lot more writing for the Doctor. Things that I hadn't told people... They weren't so much secrets; just things that I hadn't realised were actually important to all of this until issues were coming up. And it felt such a relief to literally just write everything that was coming to mind because in the past, I've sort of thought of a particular event and solely wrote about that whereas this time it's pretty much one giant-ass chain reaction piece of writing!
Finally, I'm planning to speak to the staff at my new placement; I'll be going to rehab unit where each patient has their own flat/bungalow, and since it's back near home I'm a little pessimistic so I need some reassurance from them. I just remember how staff are back home and I know this next placement is short term to have my section rescinded but I don't want to be rushed out! I want to make sure I'm able to do everything I will have to when I leave there e.g. self medicate and unescorted leaves.
So, there we go; no matter where you are in recovery- or life, you're always learning!
I'm off home tomorrow for the weekend so I'll see you all when I get back!
