Anorexia has consumed my life for over a decade. I have lost over a decade of my life to this horrific illness. The media glamourises and sensationalises eating disorders, and so I am here to reveal to you the truth this eating disorders awareness week.
Ultimately, eating disorders kill. Your body shuts down, and eventually, you die. I have been on the brink of death with this disorder, and can definitely tell you that it is far from glamorous.
Anorexia has taken me to hospital more times than I care to remember. Anorexia has led me to having tubes thrust up my nose and into my stomach when I could not orally feed myself. Anorexia had me on numerous IV drips to nourish my dying body. This is how out of control diets can get. I started off wanting to lose weight for a prom type event in school. Firstly, breakfast was cut out, and then lunch was thrown in the bin, and dinner was purged.
I loved the euphoria of not eating. I was disappearing, which is what I wanted. I was becoming invisible, which is what I desired. In my head, the smaller I became, the less visible I was to anyone who hurt me. The more hurt I inflicted on myself, the less it hurt when those around me hurt me, and so starving myself made the hurt inflicted by others less painful.
Having food inside me made me feel utterly disgusting, and still does to this very day. When I don't eat, I feel clean, empty and euphoric. My mental health improves and so my Schizophrenia is easier to cope with. When I do eat, I feel dirty, violated and depressed. My mental health deteriorates and I become suicidal.
I am writing this piece to reach out to anyone going through a similar situation. I am here for you. Please reach out and get help before things get too horrendous. You deserve to live freely, without an eating disorder taking over your life. The bravest thing you can do is to reach out. Please don't suffer alone in silence.
Together, we can conquer this!